Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
