we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
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It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize