Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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