he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
