a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im holly from the hills drunk
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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