Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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