He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
