if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
