Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
