I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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