Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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