Yo dont text me then not text me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
