I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
