And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
