Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
