i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
