I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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