ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
