Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
