nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
