You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
