i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
