i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
