I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
