chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You left your phone here
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