After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
