8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
