I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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