my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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