Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
