Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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