i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
