I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
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Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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