the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
that may or may not have been my penis.
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