Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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