update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I need water and some morals
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
