i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
