Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
