There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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