I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
