So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
