i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
