i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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