this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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