On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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