I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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