I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
