I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
