Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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