Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
