i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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