Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
