you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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