I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
