Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
