I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
