I will die if light touches me.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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