look no pants
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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