I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Success! We fucked roommates!
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