I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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