I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
