All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
