Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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