Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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