I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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