remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
