youre lurking in front of me
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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