dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
